As I was walking the dogs down a sunlit dappled trail, where eager leaves were leaping from the trees to be the first to Fall, I suddenly stopped and thought, “Oh my god, I am going to have THAT surgery!”
How did this happen? It was unthinkable at one time, for a long time, such as all my life. Even when I started hormone therapy I knew I would never have surgery. That was for other people. Ah, but that is what I had also thought about HRT. I would read about how the growth of breasts and the, er…. shrinkage, was irreversible, and think “Oh wow! I would never do that! Thank goodness I don’t feel like I need to take hormones.”
But a funny thing happened on the way to the female. As I moved along my path, slowly and cautiously at first, I became more alive. It felt like lights were being turned on inside me, after years of being a shadowy dark place lit only by a dim bulb. It’s not that I was a dim bulb, but my knowing of self and comfort of being was so deeply shadowed that it always felt…. dark inside. As I started gender therapy, hormones, began living full time female, and changed my name and gender identification where I could, I just started lighting up and coming alive. I never imagined it would be this powerful and enlightening, my transformation.
Transitioning is kind of like climbing a mountain. At the bottom you can’t see a lot, and you really have no idea what it is like up there. As you climb and start knowing the changing terrain, you start getting more perspective. You start understanding the bigger picture better, and ahead of you the way to the summit becomes clearer. Well, unless it’s covered in cloud, but you still have a better idea of where the summit is, and just need to wait for the clouds to dissipate.
From the bottom part of the mountain, the idea of Gender Reassignment Surgery seemed not only daunting, but unnecessary. Or I hoped it was. But as I rose, as I settled into my true self and understood exactly how powerful and alive it made me feel, what was still blocking me and causing me pain became much clearer. And the idea that I could do something about that pain became clearer too. What seemed daunting from below, was now possible, indeed necessary. Shifting my vantage point I could see what more I needed to do for myself.
No matter what it is in life, sometimes you just can’t see well enough from where you are. If you move, if you start climbing, new possibilities will unfold before you. Sometimes we get stuck. We stay at the bottom of the mountain and tell ourselves that we couldn’t possibly get to the top, but if we start climbing, the world starts unfolding before us and we can see our way more clearly.