The Power Within Us

When I first began considering the changes I needed to make to make myself whole and happy, I had no idea how I would even begin. I was so shy, so worried all my life about what people thought of me. I hoped they wouldn’t see the real me and now here I was thinking I needed to actually put her out there in full daylight. Certainly I didn’t have the courage, the fatalistic recklessness to do that

But it turns out I did. I had the tools all along, I just was using them in a defensive posture.

Feeling different and out of place all my life gave me a sharp edge, an edge used to both protect myself and slice cynically into the world around me. I was a misfit, on the outside looking in, and I developed a certain unfeeling attitude about everyone else around me. It was the sword in my sheath and I used it to keep any and every thing at bay, even in my closest relationships. I had been hurt too often, felt too vulnerable, and I had a secret to keep.

But I ended up using the very thing that felt weak in me, those places I hurt the deepest, to find the courage and determination to make changes for myself, to dare step out of the place society had set for me.
My cynicism I transformed into a knowing that it didn’t matter what people thought of me. I had been hurt so much already in my life, each day was a day of un-ease, there seemed no reason to keep doing what I had been doing. When I turned myself, shifted into the sun, all the energy and steel I had forged to keep myself safe was there for me to use in going forward now. The distance I had kept myself from others meant I was that much further along in being able to forge my own path, regardless of what people would say or do.

I had developed a kind of warrior spirit, feeling misunderstood, being keenly and personally aware of injustice and pain. To transform into my free being, I needed to draw on that warrior spirit and she was there in strength. I just needed to set my direction and move ahead, trusting in my own ability to protect myself. My courage was merely a blossoming of a strength built trying to survive in the shadows.

It doesn’t matter what it is in your life that needs attention, where you need to change. You can do it. If you feel weak, look there, look into your own shadows. You will see what tools you have armed yourself with, what strength you have built. And then, turn in the direction you wish to go, not matter the odds, and bring those tools into your hands in a new and progressive way.

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About transpacificgirl

I am a transwoman from B.C. Canada, in the middle of my life (I hope!). I'm also in the middle of the river, and this ride is wild. I work for a living, write for clarity, live for love and laughter.
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