I never thought too much about how my world would change once I began to live fully as myself, as female. I only knew it was something I had to do. It was a flight from decades of pain and feeling separated from life. I could not imagine what it felt like to be whole, to be in my body and in my life, because I had never touched that before.
Touching it has been magic.
It was like I was trying to drive my car from the passenger seat, and now I am behind the wheel, in full control. I always thought that because I could drive from the side that was good enough. I can see how misguided that was now that I am in the driver’s seat. I can see the road better and I can make choices for myself.
Something which throbbed constantly under the surface throughout my life, occasionally reaching in and touching me, is my connection with The Goddess, with feminine spirit energy and power. Now, I am reveling in Her nurturing light. I surround myself with reminders of that feminine power stream and I naturally fall into it and feel loved and safe. I feel more powerful than I could ever have imagined.
There are some regular paths into The Goddess spirit that are not open to me. My body doesn’t cycle, doesn’t remind me of my fertile, nurturing nature. I sense that the earthy connection that is there for most of my sisters is missing in me. It’s a very profound, powerful connection to Goddess energy and as much as I am reminded by my friends that I might want to be grateful for not having to deal with that cycling, I do mourn for it. It makes me feel a disconnected.
But somehow, without the inner plumbing, without the gender guidance growing up, without some of the markers and guideposts in my body, I do feel a very strong rooting to the Feminine power, a very natural, ancient rooting, and each and every day I am so grateful to be back, to be living fully under the light of my Goddess.
May She never let me wander lost again.