A Small Ambition

“Why Am I Here?”

This was the question that I asked myself, when I was about 13, pacing the length of our back yard, looking up to the sky for answers.

I was a sad and lonely child at that time, with no real friends, living under the dark shadow of an abusive and alcoholic father, feeling ill at ease with my own self and tired of feeling like I did not belong on this world. Why had I been born? It seemed like a mistake.

I wailed at the heavens, at God or whoever, whatever must know it all. Why?

I went through the possibilities… and there were none. I would never fit into this world, I knew I was too different, too damaged on arrival. I was left grasping, sobbing. I was nothing.

But a very effusive energy began coursing from somewhere. Deep inside of me? From below, or above? It jumped into my bones and blood, hot fire devouring me, and told me the answer, the horrible, honest reason of my being. I said it aloud.

“I am here to save the world ”

I was excited  I was terrified  What a responsibility  Especially since I felt so much removed from the rest of humanity. But maybe that was the point. Maybe I needed to be outside, unattached, to be able to see truths others were blinded from. Like a lifeguard in the tower, I could survey the ocean and beach impassively, ready to spring to people’s aid.

It was an answer that assuaged me, for that day.
It made me feel powerful, even though I had no reason to imagine I was. Everything in my life to that point told me how weak I was. The thought of me saving the world was laughable.
Except I knew I was entirely capable of doing it, and I had been sent here to do it.

So, have I saved the world yet? Well, it’s still going isn’t it?
Okay, sometimes it seems pretty precarious, but you know I’m still working on it.

The thing about saving the world is… you don’t do it alone. There are many people who live their lives with that light in them, that power coursing through their fingers, emanating from their eyes, carried on their words. It’s not just the people throwing themselves in front of harpoons, chaining themselves to trees, working hard at leaving a light footprint. Sometimes it just you and me, doing kind things, showing compassion and empathy, flowing love and life through our own little worlds. It all makes the world spin, and every single one of us, every day, can keep this beautiful thing alive and alove.

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About transpacificgirl

I am a transwoman from B.C. Canada, in the middle of my life (I hope!). I'm also in the middle of the river, and this ride is wild. I work for a living, write for clarity, live for love and laughter.
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